Relapsing vs. Disengaging

I was prompted to write about my experience with relapsing into financial domination vs. disengaging from a FinDom, following a recent conversation with another finsub. After I'd helped him maintain budgets and more self-control, he was considering paying me back for all the time and advice he'd received — which he could safely afford after saving  so much money over the last few months. But he was terrified. He was afraid that if he sent anything at all, he wouldn't be able to stop himself.

I argued against an all-or-nothing approach, because I worry it only increases the temptation to spiral. He expressed  exactly that sentiment. He missed that feeling of losing control. He was both yearning for it and fearing it at the same time.

I know where he's coming from.

I've been craving that feeling myself, with the FinDom I've been serving lately — while noticing that I wasn't as compelled to send him money, not the way I was before I disengaged a couple of months ago. Later I relapsed, but I wasn't spiraling.

I tried to build that eagerness back. Listened to his audio recordings, his hypnotizing commands. It didn't quite get me there. Cum denial had previously made me more eager, I could feel that, but I was trying to avoid it. I had lost control during No Nut November, and I resented my Owner for not watching out for me, for denying me orgasms despite my repeated warnings that I was vulnerable and wasn't handling the cum denial well.

So just like that finsub, I was resisting complete loss of control. The difference is that I was still willing to send small tributes. And there's another key difference: I'm still cumming a couple of times a week. He hasn't cum in months. No wonder he feels so much more exposed, so much more in need of guarding himself.

We both want to avoid spiraling. He's also trying to avoid any relapsing at all. I'm not, really. Or maybe I was, right after disengaging — and I'd prefer that any relapse into findom would be with a less dangerous FinDom than that one. But I'm not categorically opposed to sending more. And if I'm honest with myself, I was already settled on it being for that dangerous FinDom specifically.

Then something shifted.