Relapsing to the Dangerous FinDom

I've been jerking off a lot in the last couple of days, but without cumming. I hadn't asked my Master for permission since Friday. I could have. Nothing prevented me. But you could say I forgot that I should cum. So just like clockwork, after three days I entered into a mindfuck.

All of a sudden I'm entertaining more submissive ideas. One was about Master Macho from Mexico. As I mentioned in my last podcast episode, he made a demand that crossed my limits, to send him a photo of myself naked and locked, visible from feet to mouth, which would make me potentially recognizable. All of a sudden I started thinking of doing it after all. I haven't yet, but I might still do it tomorrow. If he hasn't blocked me.

But when I started sending again, I knew I was deeper in the mindfuck. Sure, I was still thinking about draining my own finsubs. I felt the urge to drain a fag. One of my finsubs came back to send a little just the other day. I also reached out to some finsubs and shared another tweet with a thought about findom. It was meant to encourage fags to submit lower and send, but it was coming from my own growing needs, to be fucked and drained myself, and not only to drain others:

"When a sub is so horny, more pleasure comes from staying on edge, not cumming. More fun comes from getting fucked, getting fed, and getting drained."

By 2:30 p.m. it became evident I was deep in the mindfuck. I sent the $30 to the Dangerous FinDom. Remember him? I try not to write about him, because I really think he's dangerous, but I'm very tempted.

To recall, I call him the Dangerous FinDom because of the risk of escalation without limits — into substance abuse and debt. Read more about it in my post, also available as a public podcast episode, titled: A Dangerous Headspace: Part 3 (Relapsing).

I quote here the preface I provided to that post:

"I feel so conflicted about it. It's a lot of fun, but I also know it's very dangerous. So consider this post a public service announcement. It's an honest reflection of my state of mind and a warning. Fun can be so dangerous. Please do as I say, don't do as I do."

A Dangerous Headspace: Part 3 (Relapsing)

This FinDom is not done with me

House Slave Fag's BlogHouse Slave Fag

My warning stands, even though I let myself send today. On my gift to him on Throne, I wrote, "Thank you for always accepting tributes, Sir." In private I had admitted to him, less than an hour earlier, that I'd been thinking about him lately and that it was hot that his following on X was growing, though I imagined he'd be even more irresistible if he had several thousand followers.

Of course I was feigning resistance, perhaps just for myself. But I was already talking about the possibility of becoming his bitch again. And then I was — I sent.

I was listening to his voice on his clips and it was obviously having an effect on me, while I continued to jerk off without cumming. "It's nice listening to your guiding voice," I wrote to him. He gave me a chore and I only got hornier as I was working on it. "It's so fucked up, but I feel compelled to say thank you, Sir, for making me do work for you," I wrote him.

When I was done, I reported back and asked for his feedback, but I didn't get it. Another hour later, I disclosed to him that I was back in the faggy desperate need to serve him, please him, get used by him, get humiliated by him, and get confirmation from him. I said it was painful. "I was just horny and jerking off all day, when I should be especially productive when I'm in this state of mind, in order to make you more money," I wrote.

His reply was quick: a link to his Throne and three dollar-eyes emojis. "Oh Sir," I wrote. "You're, umm —" I texted, leaving it hanging as I opened his Throne and sent. Then I came back to finish my message with "too kind" and "sent $30 more."

I relished his praise: "Good bitch," and I replied, "Thank you, Sir." It felt so good to send again.

I was so tempted to stay horny and mindfucked after that, and was already preparing my third tribute. But somewhere in my mind, a red light went on, and I began finding my way out of the mindfuck. I texted my Master for a lifeline: I asked for his permission to cum. As I filled out the payment form for the third tribute while I was jerking off, there were three possible scenarios playing out: either I'd send and stop jerking off then, so I could enjoy the continued mindfuck; or I'd harness my send to heighten the pleasure in the moment I cum; or, what actually happened, I would cum before sending, and decide I didn't need to send after all.

The release was real. I was not as mindfucked as before and I was more relaxed. But half an hour later, I was thinking again whether I should send that third tribute after all, and prove — whether to that Dangerous FinDom or myself — that even without huffing or further edging, I can totally be his leaky bitch.